It all started with an argument between me and my Buckybuddy Craig. I called him a dick, he called me a douche. Nothing new there really, we have similar discussions about each other’s foibles almost daily (you can set your watch to it actually, it’s how I know it’s time for lunch). Yesterday however, he pointed out something interesting: While it was just me calling him a dick, the whole of the Internet seems to be in agreement over my douchery. No really, take a second to mull it over. A simple google search of my name along with the word “douche” returns thousands of results. And most of the first page actually refers to me. For example:
1. In 2005, I decided it might be fun to free a fish (a real live fish – all 25lbs of him) from a Chinese grocery store and release him into the wild. So I did. It was fun. Some people found it inspiring. Some people not. Many anonymous commenters called me a douche.
2. Later that year, following an appearance on G4′s Attack Of The Show, I posted a story about how/why that appearance got me fired from FHM… to which a commenter named “Pomp” said: “I thought you were a douche on AOTS, but not because of anything you said.” Good to know.
3. Remember when I figured out how to take laser finger pictures? Fun, right? Tim Giachetti noticed (in reference to me): “The expression on his face says, â€œTotal club kid douche.â€ What a retard, hope his head explodes from eating X.” I never realized I was so expressive.
4. Remember when I tried to force a missed connection? Regarding that one, “Babyhiter” wrote: “This dude is a douche. he doesn’t care about love. all he cares about is getting some wookie on his wookie.”
5. And then there was the time I thought the Fiesta Ford had lent me was stolen. “SuperSedanMan” noticed something interesting (again, about my face):”Lol, poor guy, he is getting screwed. But than again, his face has “douche” written all over it. He looks like he should be driving and import, and singing with Justin Timberlake.”
Keep in mind, these are all people who don’t know me but have somehow all come to the same conclusion. And what Craig doesn’t know is how many times I had to delete shockingly similar commentary from my old blog. So I guess it’s settled. Craig wins that round, but now I’m looking to you Internet… any idea how to un-douche? Short of that, any idea where I can find some hot chicks to take pictures with?