Zoomdoggle: More fun than work!

Like the mamma-bird nudging her nestling out of the tree and hoping that it doesn’t plummet to its death, so we too are nudging the Superuseless thing into its next stage of life. To put it simply, we want you more involved…our loyal followers.

We’d like to invite you to send us your whole Superuseless sha-bang (your power, a your writeup, AND your accompanying illustration). That way you don’t have to wait on us to bring your brilliance to life. We’ll be moderating the submissions and plan to post them on a regular basis. So many of you have sent us your ideas, and we want those ideas to live on our site, along with ours.

So here are some guidelines:

1) Email us your power, writeup and accompanying image at talktomeaboutit@gmail.com

2) Title your e-mail “Superuseless Submission: (name of power)” Otherwise it may fall into the abundance of spam and junk mail we often receive.

4) Submit your attached illustration/image as a single jpeg. Just make sure the file isn’t HUGE (over 1Mb).

5) Include whatever personal information you’d like to see on the blog so we can give you credit (name, location, email, etc.).

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Be everywhere, but never know where you are.

Be thou herest, therest, and everywherest. Thine transcendental power approaches full-on divinity.

But wait. Where exactly are you? Is that a rice paddy in Miryang or are you front row and poncho-less at a Gallagher performance? Maybe you should sit down and get your bearings. But, uh-oh, is that a bidet or a whale’s blowhole?

LINK: Superuseless.

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Walk Through Walls-ish, aka The Studfinder
There are all kinds of walls. Brick ones. Stone ones. Berlin ones. This power vibrates your molecules allowing you to walk through walls, but only halfway. You never actually make it through the opposite side of the wall you entered.

Trapped in a madman’s labyrinth?
See what brand of sheetrock he used.

Wake up hungover on Amontillado wine and enclosed in an Italian catacomb?
Admire the masonry work as you slowly suffocate.

LINK: Superuseless.

SUPERUSELESS SUPEROWER: 1987 Man
With just a touch, 1987 Man turns any pair of jeans to acid wash. The 90’s were especially rough on our hero, forcing him to quit his job at the Gap. He now runs a Glamour Shots franchise along with fellow superheroes The Perminator and Shoulder Pad Girl.

LINK: Superuseless.

Superuseless launches a super video. Hope you super like it.

Lyrics by Ronin Music by J.Nitti Animation by Alina Landry.

LINK: Superuseless.

SUPERUSELESS SUPEROWER: TeleKinnearsis
Pretty much everyone wishes they could move objects with their mind. Pretty much no one wishes that the only object they could move is actor Greg Kinnear.

LINK: Superuseless.

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Laser Pointer Vision*
Your gaze isn’t strong enough to burn through anything, just strong enough to point things out. Makes prolonged eye contact particularly awkward and painful during romantic dinners and job interviews.

*This superuseless power comes to us from none other than Christian Lander, author of the blog and now book, Stuff White People Like. SWPL is one of our favs, so if you haven’t checked it out, do so right this minute.

LINK: Superuseless.

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Healing Punch
Float like a butterfly and sting like the bedside manner of Mother Teresa. As a superhero, sometimes you have to resort to violence. Too bad your ferocious fists instantly heal the damage you inflict. Whereas most punches would deliver a crushing Ivan Drago-like knockout, yours leave your opponent feeling amazingly refreshed and rejuvenated. At least until he counters with an uppercut to your esophagus.

LINK: Superuseless.

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: PreMOMnition
The power to see what your mother is doing at all times. PreMOMnition cannot be turned off and operates similar to picture-in-picture technology, so your mom is ALWAYS in your field of vision. Oh, and good luck trying to get laid. Even Viagra can’t combat real-time images of your mom waxing your father’s back.

Dear Superuseless Submitters: Congratulations goes to Antelieris who’s entry was selected for illustration above! It was tough, but his was the superest-uselessest.

LINK: Superuseless.

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: NO-GOliath
Superhuman size. Totally human feet. Upon engaging the No-Go-liath power, the upper 95% of our superhero swells to impressive size. Shortly thereafter, he topples like Nick Nolte at an open-bar charity ball. Does anyone have a XXXXXL Hoveround?

Dear superuseless fans: we’ve seen your brilliance. In the breakroom…in the bathroom…and yes, even the chat room. And now the time has come. We’re creating a monthly post that will feature the best fan-submitted superuseless superpower. What are you waiting for?! Engage your powers of creative cunning…and help us save the world from boredom!

Submit powers in to talktomeaboutit at gmail dot com. Winners will have their submission illustrated by the superuseless team.

LINK: Superuseless.