QUESTION: Am I A Douche?
It all started with an argument between me and my Buckybuddy Craig. I called him a dick, he called me a douche. Nothing new there really, we have similar discussions about each other’s foibles almost daily (you can set your watch to it actually, it’s how I know it’s time for lunch). Yesterday however, he pointed out something interesting: While it was just me calling him a dick, the whole of the Internet seems to be in agreement over my douchery. No really, take a second to mull it over. A simple google search of my name along with the word “douche” returns thousands of results. And most of the first page actually refers to me. For example:
1. In 2005, I decided it might be fun to free a fish (a real live fish – all 25lbs of him) from a Chinese grocery store and release him into the wild. So I did. It was fun. Some people found it inspiring. Some people not. Many anonymous commenters called me a douche.
2. Later that year, following an appearance on G4′s Attack Of The Show, I posted a story about how/why that appearance got me fired from FHM… to which a commenter named “Pomp” said: “I thought you were a douche on AOTS, but not because of anything you said.” Good to know.
3. Remember when I figured out how to take laser finger pictures? Fun, right? Tim Giachetti noticed (in reference to me): “The expression on his face says, “Total club kid douche.†What a retard, hope his head explodes from eating X.” I never realized I was so expressive.
4. Remember when I tried to force a missed connection? Regarding that one, “Babyhiter” wrote: “This dude is a douche. he doesn’t care about love. all he cares about is getting some wookie on his wookie.”
5. And then there was the time I thought the Fiesta Ford had lent me was stolen. “SuperSedanMan” noticed something interesting (again, about my face):”Lol, poor guy, he is getting screwed. But than again, his face has “douche” written all over it. He looks like he should be driving and import, and singing with Justin Timberlake.”
6. Thanking customer service? Nothing wrong with that, right? But Anthony called me a “Danecookian level douche” while Jake D thought I was more of a “douche canoe.”
Keep in mind, these are all people who don’t know me but have somehow all come to the same conclusion. And what Craig doesn’t know is how many times I had to delete shockingly similar commentary from my old blog. So I guess it’s settled. Craig wins that round, but now I’m looking to you Internet… any idea how to un-douche? Short of that, any idea where I can find some hot chicks to take pictures with?
September 16th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
The kids are all right. Maybe take your hipster level down a notch, douche. All you Brooklyn fags should be sent back to douche island.
i enjoy your website though.
September 17th, 2009 at 10:30 am
My first impression of you was that you have a very friendly and fun face! Definitely no douche face =)
September 17th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Nah, you’re a douche. But a lovable douche. Some people love douche you know.
September 17th, 2009 at 11:28 am
It’s true, if no one liked douche they wouldn’t sell them now would they.
September 17th, 2009 at 11:30 am
It’s not your douche face exactly you big douche monkey, it’s that douche way you flush out vagina.
September 17th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Fag. Wait, was I late with that? My bad. Douche!
September 18th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
You are kind of a douche, but a really good guy at the same time, a douche duality if you will… I seem to have a similar “charm” and maybe that’s why we get along.
Shan & I will miss you, try not to be a douche and hit us up this week before we leave for Chicago.
September 19th, 2009 at 1:39 am
In your case, to undouche you need to stop having fun, enjoying life, and smiling so much. Happier then me = douche.
Be sad and depressed like the rest of us dregs!
September 19th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
You’re not a douche. I mean, yeah you are. But, I am too. It’s okay. As long as you are cool with yourself it doesn’t matter.
September 21st, 2009 at 3:38 am
i don’t think you’re a douche. i haven’t liked the website as much recently, but a lot of posts make me smile and i think you’re just trying to bring more fun/laughter into the world. i think it’s sad that so many people are focused on bringing everything down. i totally agree with sam, haha.
September 21st, 2009 at 6:18 pm
People think you’re a douche because you’re confident. You’ve got the chutzpah to put your own golden penis on the internets. All the fun things you post might be read as “I’m having more fun than you”.
The people who see this stuff as negative think you’re a douche. The people who see this stuff as awesome keep coming back to zoomdoggle.
The site HAS been slipping though. This is my first time back in weeks. You’ve been busy, but dont forget about us!
September 28th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Maybe you could not Photoshop your face onto EVERYTHING.
And a few less “aww cute animal” Youtube videos may not be a bad idea (as fun as kittens and stuff are, I get enough of those things from my mother and girls).
Appart from that I dont see much of a problem.