The BBC has recently reported that a joke dating back to 1900BC is the world’s oldest – and it’s a fart joke! How fun is that?
Here’s the joke: “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”
Yeah, not that funny really but it is almost 2000 years old.
Here’s my oldest joke: “Knock, Knock. “Who’s There?” Doctor. “Dr.Who?”
Oh my sides!
Let’s hear your oldest joke in the comment section!
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December 22nd, 2008 at 2:16 pm
What’s the biggest kind of ant on earth?
An elephANT.
(yup, we’ve come a long way)
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:18 pm
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Orange.”
“Orange who?”
“Orange you glad I didn’t say banana.”
It’s always a crowd pleaser.
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:22 pm
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Why the long face”?
Kills me!
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:29 pm
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar tender says, “We don’t serve pieces of string around here.”
So, the piece of string goes back outside, messes his hair up, tangles himself up a bit then goes back inside and orders a drink again.
The bar tender asks, “Aren’t you that piece of string that just walked in a minute ago?”
And the piece of string says, “I’m afraid not.”
(get it…frayed knot.
)
I probably found that one on the inside of a Laffy Taffy wrapper or something.
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:49 pm
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A BULL-DOZER!!!
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Always liked the ‘fraid knot joke!
Cheers Eric.
Here’s one I just made up:
Q. Where do noses go on holiday?
A. Nostralia
Thanks. I’m here all week.
December 22nd, 2008 at 5:13 pm
okay this one is from Germany, so i have do explain some things first and I don’t know if the humour(if there was any in the first place) makes it throught the translation but I will give it a try.
This joke is about Fritzchen and his Grandmother. So here it goes:
Fritzchen and his Grandmother are walking along the streets as Fritzchen spots a banana peel lying on the ground. As he tries to pick it up his Grandma says:”You don’t pick things up from the ground” So Fritzchen does want she says and don’t touches the banana peel. A little later they come across an apple core and again Fritzchen attempts to pick it up, but his grandmother forbids him to pick it up. After a while his grandmother trips and falls down. She says:”Please, Fritzchen, help me up”, but Fritzchen answers:”But Grandma! You don’t pick things up from the ground”
I think you saw that coming.
So this was the oldest joke I remember…Well if I’m honest this is just the second-oldest joke, but the oldest is a german poem and there is mo way to translate that one without losing the small bit of humour that is in it.
December 22nd, 2008 at 8:03 pm
What did the nervous robber say?
“Mand over the honey and you hon’t wet gurt.”
December 22nd, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:46 am
What do you get if you sing a country song backwards?
You get your wife back, you get your kids back, you get your house back, you get your truck back, and your dog comes back to life.
It was the first joke I ever learned…
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:42 pm
My all time favourite corny old joke is:
Whay is 6 afraid of 7?
because 7 8 9!!
For the the few of you who might be scratching their heads read it 7 ATE 9….cannibalism is always funny untill someone loses an eye…then a finger..then a leg…
December 24th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
The first one I remember hearing was as follows:
“My mom is Chinese” (hold corners of eyes up)
“My dad is Japanese” (hold corners of eyes down)
“And look what happened to me” (hold one corner up, one down)
Isn’t that some racist shit for some little kids to being telling one another?
December 30th, 2008 at 10:54 am
so there’s two muffins sitting in an oven…
one muffin turns to the other and says ” Damn, it’s getting hot in here!” The other muffin jumps and yells, “holy shit! a talking muffin!”
yuk yuk yuk.
December 30th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
what’s brown and sticky?
a stick!
and… What do you call milk that passes right in front of your eyes?
pasteurized milk!
There once was a farmer who had three daughters who were all going out on their first dates on the same night.
The farmer being protective of his daughters, decides to meet their suiters at the front door with a shotgun.
The first date comes to the door and the father opens up and the lad says:
“Hi my name’s Joe,
I’m here for Flow.
We’re going to the show.
Is she ready to go?”
The father looks the guy over and sends the kids off on their date.
Next lad arrives:
“My name’s Eddie,
I’m here for Betty.
We’re going to get some spaghetti.
Is she ready?”
The father felt this guy was okay too so off the kids went.
The final young man arrives and rings the bell and the farmer opens up. The boy started off:
Hi, my name’s Chuck-”
And the farmer shoots him.
December 31st, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Two of my favorites:
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne Who?
Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning. (Drain the bathtub, I’m drowning).
This one is much more situational dependent… as you drive past hay rolled-up in round, circular hay bales (usually in autumn and keep in mind that I live in rural PA):
Know why horses can’t eat those?
It’s not a square meal.
(Been saying that one for years and still cracks me up!)
December 31st, 2008 at 9:36 pm
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
January 1st, 2009 at 11:28 pm
well, how about the first one I ever thought of on my own?
What did one leprechaun say to the other?
IRISH I were taller! (get it, I wish?)
January 2nd, 2009 at 9:14 pm
This one is funny if you’re a Catholic. I remember my mom telling me to say this to our priest when I was 5 years old. Always a hit!
How do you make Holy Water?
Put it on the stove, and burn the HELL out of it!
(Get it?!?!)
January 3rd, 2009 at 1:51 pm
What kind of key opens every type of door??
A Pikey!
hahahaha
January 6th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
why did the elephant put a banana peel on her head?
cause blondes have more fun!
my favorite as a small, blonde, child
January 6th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
What did they do before string?
THEY THREW THEIR YOYOs ON THE GROUND!
January 7th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Some GREAT jokes here, thanks!
My fave is Claire’s very sweet.
January 7th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
The first joke I remember…my Nana used to tell it to me…
Want to hear a dirty joke?
Three cows fell into a mud puddle.
Yeah, I think most of the humor was hearing my grandmother ask if I wanted to hear a dirty joke…and then being five and being super proud that I ‘knew’ what a dirty joke was…
January 8th, 2009 at 12:34 am
This is the oldest knock knock joke i know…
Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo Hoo?
Awww, don’t cry please.
January 8th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
What happened to the kid who drank 8 cokes?
…
He burped 7-up!
(not very good but the only one i ever remember
January 9th, 2009 at 2:07 am
What is the best thing in a cake?
Teeth!
January 9th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Why was the baker mean?
Because he beat the eggs and whipped the cream.
Where to sheep get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
Both of these were from the first joke book I ever read.
January 9th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
@ Kyle – I groaned so loud at your baa-baa joke my boss thought I’d hurt myself
January 10th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
what is this?
Q
bheeer,bheeer. bhaaa. bheeer, bheeer. bhaaa.
A
sheep music: two bleats to the bar.
January 10th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Humphrey.
January 10th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
Two monkeys in the bath. One says “ooo, ooo, ooo!” (monkey noises).
The other one says “well put some cold in!”
You are required by law to laugh at that one because it’s got monkeys in it.
January 10th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
So a guy goes to court to get his name changed.
Guy: Judge, I wanna get my name changed.
Judge: Okay, what’s your name?
Guy: Franklin Delano Stink.
Judge: Well, I can see why you’d want to change that. What would you like to change it to?
Guy: Joe Stink.
Get it?
January 10th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
The first joke I have ever heard was the 7 8 9 one…but here’s one I’m fond of.
A first grade class is coming in from recess. The teacher asks little Susie what she did. Susie says, “I played in the sandbox.” The teacher says, “Very good. If you can write ‘sand’ on the board I will give you a cookie.” She then asks little Timmy what he did during recess. He says, “I played in the sandbox.” She said, “Very good. If you can write ‘box’ on the board I will give you a cookie.” Then the teacher asked little Mohammad what he did during recess. He says, “I wanted to play in the sandbox with Susie and Timmy, but they wouldn’t let me.” The teacher says, “That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can write ‘blatant racial discrimination’ on the board, I will give you a cookie.”
January 14th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter. He’s not going to come to you anyway.
January 15th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
a priest and a rabie walk into a bar…………ouch!!!
January 20th, 2009 at 7:36 am
Whats got 2 legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
January 21st, 2009 at 2:16 pm
….so this dyslexic guy walks into a bra ….
January 21st, 2009 at 8:35 pm
My dad would tell this joke:
two elephants were sitting in a bath tub, one looks over at the other and says pass the soap, the other elephant looks at the first and says no soap radio!!
he would laugh and laugh, and my older sisters would laugh as well, i, however, was not laughing because i didn’t (like you most likely) did not get the punch line of the joke, not wanting to be left out i would exclaim that i didn’t get it some one explain it to me! My dad would say, still laughing, no soap radio (aha ha ah aha ha) what don’t you get?
Years later it was explained that it was more of an inside joke, the person telling the joke, and a few other people, would laugh profusely, while everyone else would feel if not outright dumb, certainly confused. Well I doubt you read all this but if you did here’s a decent joke: knock knock, who’s there?, Madam…, Madam who?
Madamn Foot is Stuck in the DOOR!
January 22nd, 2009 at 11:58 pm
What kind of M&Ms does Tattoo like?
The plain, the plain!
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:24 am
A Mushroom walks into a bar and asked for a drink.
Bartender says “Sorry we dont serve your kind here”
Mushroom says ” What? Im a fun guy”
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:38 am
@sten
Mate, I just shot coffee out my nose laughing at that!
It’s corny but I like it.
January 26th, 2009 at 4:48 am
First one I remember telling that made adults actually laugh.
So a guy walks into a bar followed by a duck and a horse. A little while later Three nuns come in followed shortly there after by a priest, a rabbi, and the Dali Lama. Then a guy with a duck under his arm walks in and the bartender says “What the(expletive removed)is this a joke!?!?!”
The joke is kind of funny but I think it got the most laughs because it was an Eight year old telling it. Any way, good list here thanks guise!
January 26th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Two idiots walking down the street.
Says one idiot to the other:
“Now it’s my turn to walk in the middle”
3 guys are captured and tortured.
1 Belgian guy, 1 Dutch guy and a German.
They all get beat 100 times with a whip,but they are allowed 1 wish before getting whipped.
The Belgian guy says: “tie a pillow on my back to soften the blows”
The German guy says: “tie 2 pillows on my back to soften the blows”
Then it is the Dutch guys turn and he says : “please tie the german on my back to soften the blows”
(surely you can use this for other nationalities or whatever,
just don’t make it much of a racist joke)
January 26th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Like the idiots joke there Franckie…
Chad – just shouted that one out in the office – not one smile! I think it’s the way you tell ‘em
January 26th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
What do you get when you cross a blonde with a farmer?
A jolly rancher!
January 26th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
OK, OK, I was a big fan of elephant jokes when I was young, and my favourite was:
How does an elephant get out of a tree?
Sits on a leaf and waits till autumn!
This one had me in stitches for weeks though:
What o you get if you cross a canary with a lawnmower?
Shredded tweet!
They all sound so corny these days
Of course, not letting Little Johnny out:
Little Johnny
Pair of skates
Rolled on ice
Pearly gates
May Rose
Sat on a pin
Mary rose
January 27th, 2009 at 12:54 am
This was definitely a favorite of mine for like the first ten years of my life
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow wh—-*cuts the person off*
Mooooo!
January 27th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Everytime we have broccoli with dinner my dad tells the same joke without fail, making the rest of us groan:
Whats the difference between broccoli and a kid picking his nose?
You can’t get him to eat the broccoli!!
*groan…..this has gone on for over 20 years
January 27th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
no, no, no Jake. it’s all about the build up. If I remember correctly, on a particularly sugar high kind of afternoon I led my cousin through about a dozen rounds of:
“knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Banana”
“Banana who?”
….
“knock knock”
“who’s there?”
“Banana!”
I was then threatened to deliver an orange upon pain of death (well indian sunburn but still)
January 29th, 2009 at 8:06 am
Q:What do dinosaurs have that nothing else has?
A:Baby dinosaurs!
January 29th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
(one of my son’s first jokes:)
What smells funny?
A clown fart!
January 30th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Oh, here’s a favorite that I learned pretty early:
What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A stick
And then there’s this kneeslapper:
Two guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked.
Loving the jokes!
January 30th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Where did Napoleon hide his armies?
In his sleevies!!!!
LOL
January 30th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
My favorite Laffy Taffy joke:
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A Buccaneer!
My goodness I crack myself up.
January 30th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
OK, here’s a few I’ve been telling forever:
Q. Why do elephants paint their toe nails red?
A. So they can hide in cherry trees!
follow-up question:
Q. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? (they answer no)
A. Then I guess it works!
Q. Why do gorillas have big noses?
A. Because gorillas have big fingers.
Q.How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
A.By holding its nose!
A guy goes to Hawaii, gets off the plane, and asks a local guy, “Hey, I’ve always wondered… do the locals pronounce it “Hawaii” or “Ha-VAY-ee”?” The Local guy says, “Ha-vay-ee.” “Oh! Well that’s so good to know! Thank you, Sir!” “You’re VEL-come.”
January 30th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
This was one of my dad’s all-time favorites, and probably the earliest one I learned:
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t! You get down from a duck!
January 30th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
He didn’t have the guts!
January 30th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Q,Why Did The Goalkeeper Have Sooooooo Much Money??
A,Cause He Was Good At Saving!
January 30th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
What does Kenny G say when he hops in an elevator?
“This place rocks!!”
January 31st, 2009 at 3:55 am
I think I got this one from Bill Nye the Science Guy.
what smells bad and sounds like a bell?
Dunnnnnnnnnnnng.
January 31st, 2009 at 6:11 pm
Did you hear about the indian who drank too much tea?
He drowned in his own tepee! (tea pee)
Get it? hahaha
January 31st, 2009 at 9:12 pm
What’s a ghost’s favorite meal?
Spook-ghetti!
February 1st, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Good effort Jordan
February 2nd, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Guy walks into a bar, and says ouch
February 5th, 2009 at 4:00 am
two cannibles were eating a clown and one says “does this taste funny to you?”
February 5th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
@Dawlface that is a joke from the videogame Fallout 3
February 6th, 2009 at 6:58 am
@Frank it predates that by at least a couple decades.
One of the earliest jokes i can remember is
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, It’a cold out here!
This joke led to a period of months when my little sister would tell variations of this joke, substituting the vegetable,orange us in, carrot us in,etc…
February 6th, 2009 at 9:50 am
Honeymoon salad…lettuce alone.
February 6th, 2009 at 9:51 am
What did the snail say when taking a ride on a turtle’s back?
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
February 6th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
@robitj
Good one!
February 7th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
I have wanted to be a mortician since I was little, and my father was in hazmat and a coroner, we always laugh about this one:
(We pass a cemetery)
“You know how many dead people are in there?”
“How many?”
“All of them”
Or “Oh look, a cemetery, people are DYING to get into that place!”
We have some sick humor.
February 9th, 2009 at 6:06 am
I used this is my science class and my prof liked it so much he put it on our test.
two atoms where walking down the street and one atom turns to other other and says
“man, I think I lost one of my electrons.”
the other atom says, “are you sure, are you sure you did not just misplace it?”
and the first atom says, “yeah, Im positive.”
soooo good. Yeah science jokes!
February 10th, 2009 at 4:21 am
The Orange – Banana joke was definitely my first, but here’s one that always stuck:
A – How do you get an elephant out of Safeway (a grocery store)?
B – I don’t know.
A – Take the ‘F’ out of ‘way.’
B – There is no ‘F’ in ‘way.’
Get it? ‘There is no effin way.’ Still cracks me up.
February 15th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing it just waved!
lol I love that one.
February 28th, 2009 at 3:50 am
wen i was little my dad told me this joke all the time and i cracked up.
i think it stuck cuz i have a serious thing with laughing
my eyes were watering after i read these comments
ok heres my joke:
boy: hey, did you hear about the wooden horse?
girl: no, what happened?
boy: it wooden go! (get it, wouldn’t go)
hahahahaha!
girl: did you hear about the steel horse?
boy: no
girl: it steele wooden go!!! (still wooden go)
March 3rd, 2009 at 9:31 am
Ha, heh, These jokes are so old, the last time I heard ‘em, I laughed so hard, I fell off my dinosaur and broke my wooden underwear.
And if you think thats old… You should see my Grandpa’s buckskin rubber. Ah, the good ole days!
March 5th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
Yo, my granpappy told me to watch out fer wimmen that knew what rubber was. Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, NN nyah…I’m paper, your glue, what you write sticks to me like glue. Besides, I like your place, send some more pics of china, please.
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:55 pm
Q. what does a beaver shout when he gets locked out of his house?
A. open the dam door!
XD
…
yea….
*crickets*
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:59 pm
JOKE: A brother and sister got scared one night and went to go into there parents room, startled when he glanced in, the boy backs away and says,”dang, and i get in trouble for sucking my thumb.”
December 2nd, 2009 at 10:11 pm
knock knock
whos there
boo
boo who:???
dont worry…dont cry!!
rofl… knew taht one since when I was 5….
I would tell it to my mom all the time and she would get really aannoyed
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:22 pm
WOW Jake – 80 responses to this! Is it a ZD record?
I have a joke that I made up myself:
Q. What do you call a man who makes love to a pile of chick peas?
A. A humous-sexual
ha ha hah – my sides!